Enough time has passed, its time to go through some demons from my past… This post is going to be very personal and little about self-development, so if that’s your thing you might want to skip this one.
As I’ve mentioned in this blog many times, my relationship with my GF came to an abrupt end at the turn of the year. This post is going to talk about that.
Any break-up is hard on a person’s emotions, but the way our relationship ended was completely fucked up. I experienced the lowest of low in the aftermath – the dynamic of the relationship and all made sure that this was about as painful of an experience as I could have had.
Everything was set. I had worked hard, pushed myself for two years. I was ready to make the leap, to completely restructure my life for a woman (never a good idea) and move a country for her. Only thing in between was her coming over and us spending a vacation here in Finland together before we’d fly back together victoriously.
Fact was though that things have been deteriorating. Still, I was hopeful that being physically together could help the things. They didn’t. The vacation was marred with arguments, and the worst of them ended in this:
I was so shocked and my reality was shattered. It’s one thing to have some petty arguments, and whole another to have the other person hate you so much that she physically assaults you, especially to that extent.
What The Hell Happened?
I’ll give an honest account on how things escalated to that point. We had been eating a dinner on the cruise (as you can see, I’m in a small cabin). During the dinner I made some silly joke, like I generally do, and it for whatever reason upset her. Lack of sense of humor on her end marred the end of our relationship. The tensions were heightened as we returned to cabin. I wasn’t wearing a shirt as I was preparing to work out (yeah, I don’t stop even for a cruise). I was still annoyed at the fact that she got upset over nothing, so I was lecturing her about it – not mature thing to do, admittedly.
She wasn’t listening though, instead fiddling around with her phone, that she had used all through the vacation to message with another guy (yeah… there was another guy in the picture. She ended up staying with that guy for rest of her vacation and they are now dating. Figures), so that further drove up my annoyance.
I demanded her to listen, taking the matters to my hands quite literally. I snatched the phone off her hands. Note that I was annoyed, but no super aggressive. I told her I’ll give it back to her when she answers my question. I don’t remember what it was – but the subject of our argument was trivial at this point. I was just wanting her to answer to me and then I’d given back the phone.
She didn’t answer me, instead tried to grapple back for the phone. She really escalated fast into massive anger. “Give it back!” She demanded. Being taller and stronger than her, I merely positioned my body between her and the phone and played keep-away with her. If it was funny at all, it stopped being funny few seconds into it. Realizing she could not get her phone, she sank her long nails right into my flesh!
This was absolutely shocking to me. But I have a personality of a pitbull and when I am being hurt, that just makes me stick to my guns more and become even more stubborn. Any sane man would have thrown her phone at her and walked out of her life for good – if her fucking phone is so important to her that she is willing to hurt a man she is supposed to love, then fine, have your fucking phone. All I asked was an answer. Violent response was completely disproportionate to the situation.
But I didn’t walk away. Feeling the sharp pain, I pushed her on the cabin bed off me. She got up and lashed out again. I pushed her down again. At no point I used violence at her. I merely pushed her away repeatedly.
Now what’s so dark in this that generally, when lets say guy punches a girl, he immediately realizes the gravity of what he is done and is sorry for it. Generally, at least. It’s a moment of boiling over, and then its over. But for my girlfriend it wasn’t like that. She drew blood from the first scratch, but kept getting up to fuck me up more every time I pushed her down. I thought she would calm down if I just weathered through it, but it just went on and on.
I don’t know how much time passed. Ten minutes? 20? 30? I have no idea. We struggled for a quite a while with the same pattern. At some point she cut at my wrist with her long, sharp nail. I still have a scar on my wrist that makes me look like I attempted suicide in the past. It wasn’t blind rage – it seemed almost a calculated effort to try to cut open an artery.
For a fucking phone!
In the end, I pushed her again on the bed, she ended up on her stomach and I happened to just get on top of her. I grabbed her hands with force and twisted them backwards, pinning her down there. The situation, at least to that extent was over.
I was the bloody mess of above picture – well worse actually, given I took a shower and wiped most of the blood off before the picture. She left the cabin feeling anger towards me, showing no signs of regret or remorse. Which is something that remained consistent through the following months. At every point we discussed this afterwards she felt she was justified and I got what was coming to me. In fact, if anything she accused me of it.
Now I’m no one to say I was faultless. I’m first to admit my faults. But at this situation, I didn’t do anything outrageously bad, definitely not something worth getting permanent scars for.
While the damage on my body looks bad, its not even an increment to the emotional scars I got from the situation. I’ll be fine, but certainly that’s something that will leave a lasting mark in my mind about women.
I’ve tried my best to forgive her for what she did and try to remain friends with her, as I thought it was just an isolated incident and that wasn’t the kind of person she is. However, I think I needed a little help. “Sorry”, from her end would have been a good start. But as said, she felt no regret nor remorse for what she did. Instead, every time we talked her whole modus operandi was to point out how it was all my fault. I’m not denying it, it was probably all my fault. Regardless, laying your hand on someone who you are supposed to love is not something that can be justified.
In the end, fact was that she had fallen out of love with me a long time ago. Her resentment towards me was deafening. Attack on me was just an expression of that hate for me.
I did a lot wrong during that relationship to deserve that hate.
It was a lesson in setting personal boundaries for me – I should have never hung out for a so long time with someone who clearly was not enjoying my company – lack of sense of humor was a sign of such.
Anyway, to get back to my story we had gone through this pretty crushing way to break up, and then the final kicker – I had my 900 euro tickets to Malaysia still -you think I was going to let them go to waste? Of course not, but Malaysia was not the best environment to be in at that point. Everything around me was like rubbing on my face all the effort I put into the failed relationship. So I was absolutely destroyed. It was not until Hong Kong when my recovery started and I bounced back.
I will write more about what I learned through this difficult experience in the future. Now, I just wanted to come out with an account on what happened.