Japan Day 14: Relationship Advice From A Dysfunctional Loner

Today’s video is lenghthy and meandering, latter being common case anyway in my videos, but I think I communicate a solid concept here so I think I for once might have created something worthwhile.

I know I’m not the most qualified person to talk about this kind of subject but it’s just some thinking that’s been going through my mind. My few relationships are one of most important things to me so whenever I make a mistake relating to them, I always introspect heavily and wonder what would have been a better course of action.

But the more I experience, the more I find that we always knew the right action anyways. But for some reason, we lashed out at someone. Or acted jerkishly. Or whatever. There probably are a whole multitude of reasons in reality, but vast majority of cases falls under this whole pain paradigm. It’s an interesting thing to start observing in yourself. I’m sure you have noticed yourself sometimes just getting into bad mood for whatever reason, and then wanting to rub your friend/family member/significant other – who just happens to be there – in a wrong way. Perhaps in your mind, at that moment, you are attributing the blame to him/her, for your bad mood (when in reality our emotions, for 99 % of the time anyway, is fully in our own control).

I have noticed this pattern many times during my times in Japan, while travelling with my girlfriend around the land. On logical level people have rarely severe conflicts, but when emotional pain is mixed in, whatever the source, it poisons the relationships from inside out.

Awareness cures this already a lot. Staying in control of your emotions is another thing that really helps. This will already avoid severe dysfuntions on 95 % of the time. Just realizing when you have “triggered” and either taking a moment to calm down (if possible) or voicing it so that others know will at least make sure you won’t spread your toxic energy around.

When you know you have triggered, it is much harder to lash out, or act out of emotion, cause you no longer have excuses. You know you’re not in a good state. That doesn’t mean always that you’ve avoided any altercations, since emotions have often a lot of momentum behind them – especially if you are as dysfunctional person as me for instance. But it will avoid some.

I say that this triggered version is not the real you. And it’s not. The real you, no matter who you are, is a happy guy/girl. Seriously, I know. I’m a fucking black metal listening, cursing, stubborn, angry, lonely Finnish man. Yet I know that the “real me” is a happy guy. However, some people are in a triggered state 24/7 without even realizing it – for them it’s just matter of triggering in a worse way. Avoiding fights, arguments, tension, etc. with them is very hard, it’s often just a matter of learning to live with the constant level of some tension and maintaining your own calmness while at it. They are not the best people to be around consistently cause they easily pull you into their toxic energy.

Even with more even-keeled people, it’s really hard to completely avoid things tensing up at times. Realizing that in the end it’s just emotional response, not someones true opinion will help dissolve the situations. Again, for those constantly triggered people these emotional responses are their “real” opinion, at least real in a sense that they don’t have any other.

For me, when I get triggered I say stupid, wrong shit. Once I’ve calmed down I just think “what the hell I said that thing for?”

I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but in many cases, it might be.

Make sense? Tell me in the comments.

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