I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

Let’s be honest here. You put on a brave face, talk with conviction, remind yourself of your purpose… but in the end, I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.

Let me elaborate. I’m not saying I’m being insincere when I’m talking about being on a path and whatnot, or that I don’t believe in my own words when I write about “Becoming Awesome”, as I so eloquently have put it in the past. Or something. But really, do I know what I’m talking about? Does anyone know?

I was just on a walk/workout. I sometimes do these when I feel I don’t have the energy for a proper workout – I just go for a mix of jogging, running hard and walking around the village I live in, stop by at the school playground to do a few pull-ups etc. Just enough to break a sweat and get some work for my muscles, but nothing that really gets you jacked.

During my way back, I have a lot of time to think in tranquility. Today I knew I still have a blog post to write, and I kept trying to think of what to write about. Yet my mind would veer into the higher level all the time. Why the fuck am I doing this in the first place. Now let me interfere here, it wasn’t a resentful “why the fuck?” I love my blog. In fact, many of the thoughts I had were of starting to write much more. Which just made me ask, is writing fiction and stories really what I want to be, as I call it, my path? If it’s not that, then what it is?

So you can probably guess I wasn’t really able to put my finger on any good ideas for blog post topics. Not that I’m short of ideas. As said, I want to start writing for this blog much more – but for tonight I needed something I could write quickly. That brings me to writing about how I have no fucking clue about anything. Cause I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. Sometimes I just feel like my life is just a succession of short-term projects and challenges with barely any overarching goals.

But bro, isn’t your goal to “Become Awesome” anyway?

Sure, but what does that even mean? All I have in my mind is a vague idea of myself in the future that I’m unlikely to ever achieve.

Of course, none of this is news. I admitted kind of just floating around without a clear sense of where I’m going in this video I made in Japan:

The challenges I’ve made in the past have given me a sense of purpose. I wake up every day to complete every point on the challenge. The challenge keeps changing often enough for me to not start to question what I’m doing. Is that good or bad? I’ve said many times I think my challenges are a positive thing. I’m totally not stopping doing them. But there comes a time where you should know the bigger picture that the challenges are building towards.

Or should you? In this famous speech, Steve Jobs tells us to trust that at some point the dots will start to connect.

I find the message inspiring, but in the end it just leaves me thinking that I’ve barely started to see the dots that I’m supposed to start connecting. 

In the end, we are all lost, no one really has a clue where he is going, and the only purpose you have on this Earth is the one you construct for yourself.

I don’t know if this post made any sense, just like I don’t really know anything else, but perhaps your comment might enlighten me. Drop it below.

Wow. It's Quiet Here...

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