It has been an enjoyment, albeit a humorous one, to have been reading my old blog posts. My inspiration does not always hit the times when I am free to write, so I have been browsing through my old posts in attempt to find ideas for new writings, or regurgitations of my old ideas in more mature format.
If one point of my blog has been to document my self-development journey, it has at least partially fulfilled that function. In my old posts I might have been still finding my own voice, and perhaps still am, but there was enough of it there to leave a permanent stamp of the mindset, the thought-patterns and emotions that I had at the times I have gone through.
Reading my old posts one sentiment stands out above all – I have come a long way. Long way from the guy who was just struggling through everything, desperately trying to make some money to go to Japan. The guy who was trying to work so hard but getting so little done, yet in the end beating himself. Reading my old posts, I can be proud that I have gotten over those times, to a happier and calmer time.
However I am not particularly filled with pride with the stagnation that has followed since. I feel like sometimes slowing down is appropriate, but stopping for too long just leads to everyone else being far ahead by the time you are ready to move. Then you have some catching up to do.
It has been interesting to reconnect with my old self through my old posts, and to wonder what that kid full of hopes and dreams would have done if he had my resources and situation at his disposal.
Cause back in the early days of the blog, in the early 2013, over three years ago, I had next to nothing. The perception of time here is bizarre too – I have been to over 10 countries since, had multiple failed relationships and other strong experiences, which makes it feel like it was a lifetime ago. On the other hand, though, you think it was 2013 so it was just recently. In this case, three years makes a big difference.
Makes me wonder, what would I have done differently if that guy had gotten access to what I have now. Then again, I needed to go through my journey to get it. I needed to learn to work harder. I needed to let go of attachments. I needed to go through uncomfortable situations to get to the current, calm mindset that I generally have.
But like I said, there is no room for stagnation. That same kid who was far off, much farther off his goals than I am now, set his sights far higher than where I wound up. It is comforting to see that a lot of goals me from three years ago set, I have achieved and that most of the ones I did not achieve turned out to not be so important anyway, but it is not like I am ready to rest on my laurels.
In fact, you never will be, but even if such a time existed I would be nowhere close to it. I still have anxieties, I still have struggles in my everyday life, but also progress has been made. It is funny to read my old posts how happy I was over simple things, how I was painting them to be this huge challenge where in reality they weren’t. But that is an important reminder of where I come from: It was a big deal at the time, it was a big challenge at the time.
For me to be relatively normal today I had to overcome massive resistance in the beginning, such that 95 % of people won’t even ever understand cause they don’t see how simple things had become difficult to me due to mental resistance. It is even hard for me to understand it, despite having lived through it. Like I said, that time feels like a different lifetime and it is hard to access even the memories of that time. Yet, I am not even that far off yet. I could easily slip back there, things have not changed that much.
Which is why this life-situation should be just a temporary, intermediate stop in my life. A plateau from which I can look below to my old life, but where I should just take a breather before gritting my teeth, looking atop of the peak I am going to and then start trodding along the path.